"In lieu of flowers" wording

What it means

"In lieu of" means "instead of". Lieu is the French word for "place".

Families use it for different reasons. Often it points to a cause the person cared about, or one connected with their life: a hospice that cared for them, their church, a school, a rescue service. Sometimes flowers would not suit the place, such as a small room or a family home. In some faiths, Judaism among them, flowers are not customary at a funeral, and a gift to charity is the usual alternative.

The request states a preference, not a rule. Some people will send flowers anyway, out of habit or because it is how they show they care, and they can be thanked as warmly as anyone else.

Wording for a charity

Five examples follow, from the most formal to the plainest. The first two are written for Walter, and the rest have stand-ins in brackets for your own details.

• In lieu of flowers, the family asks that memorial gifts be made to the Harbour Lifeboat Station in Walter's memory.
• In lieu of flowers, please consider a gift to the Harbour Lifeboat Station, which kept watch over the water Walter loved.
• In lieu of flowers, donations in memory of [name] may be made to [charity name] at [website].
• In lieu of flowers, memorial gifts may be mailed to [charity name], [mailing address]. Please mark them "in memory of [name]".
• Those who wish to remember [name] may give to [charity name] in place of flowers.

Whichever wording you choose, add the charity's website or mailing address, as the third and fourth examples do.

Other ways to remember them

A request does not have to be a donation. Some families ask for something that sounds like the person:

• In lieu of flowers, plant a tree in Walter's memory.
• In lieu of flowers, please give blood, as [name] did for many years.
• In lieu of flowers, give an afternoon to [organization], where [name] volunteered.
• Memorial gifts may be made to the [name] Scholarship Fund at [school name].
• In lieu of flowers, do something kind for someone this week, quietly, as Walter would have.

If you name a scholarship or memorial fund, make sure it has been set up and can receive gifts before the program is printed. A fund that does not exist yet leaves guests with nowhere to send what they meant to give.

Help with expenses

A funeral can cost more than a family has on hand, and some families ask for help directly. It is a reasonable request, and it reads best when it is plain:

• In lieu of flowers, the family would be grateful for help with funeral expenses. A card box will be beside the guest book.
• Those who wish to help with the cost of Walter's funeral may send a gift in care of [funeral home name and address].

If gifts will be mailed, ask the funeral home whether it will receive them for the family, rather than printing the family's home address. A house is often empty during the service, and the obituary and the program both say when it is.

If a relative has set up an online fundraiser for the costs, treat it like a charity. Give its exact title and where to find it, and name one person who can answer questions about it. There are more examples, for the fundraiser page itself and for thanking people afterward, in wording for a funeral fundraiser.

Giving the details

A request is only as useful as the details beside it. Include:

• The charity's exact name, as it appears on its own website. Many charities have similar names, and a local branch can be separate from a national one.
• How to give, with a website or a mailing address. One of the two is enough.
• "In memory of [name]". Ask people to add these words to their gift. Many charities then let the family know who gave, usually without the amount, if they know where to write. When you check with the charity, ask how it tells families, and give it an address if it asks, so that yours need not appear in the program.

Before the program is printed, check that the charity accepts memorial gifts and ask how it would like them marked. Many charities explain this on their website, under a heading such as "Give in memory" or "Tribute gifts".

When flowers are welcome too

Not every family wants to turn flowers away. If flowers are welcome and you also want to name a cause, say both:

• Flowers are welcome; those who wish may also give to the Harbour Lifeboat Station in Walter's memory.
• Flowers are welcome. Those who prefer may give to [charity name] instead.

Or leave the line out altogether, and people will choose for themselves. If flowers are welcome, say in the obituary or death notice where to send them and by when, so that they arrive before the service; the program, which guests read at the service, needs only the cause.

Where the line goes

The request usually goes on the back of the program, beneath the family's thanks, and there are examples of that note in acknowledgment wording for a funeral program. If you make the program here, "In lieu of flowers" is its own short question in the wizard, up to 200 characters, and it prints on the back page.

Put the same line, with the same details, in the obituary and on any memorial page, so that people who could not come can see it too. It helps to write it once, check the details, and copy it everywhere from there.

In a program for a service without religion, the back page can carry the charity beside other requests, such as an invitation to share a memory with the family. There is more about that kind of service on the non-religious funeral program page.